How College Broke Me, Until It Didn't

It's the hardest thing I've ever done... and that's okay.

My first semester at RISD was a blur of all-nighters, art history lectures, hitting snooze, and forgotten dinner plans. It was also a time of such deep discomfort from every angle of my life that I was certain the universe was conspiring to break me. And it did.

I used to feel that I was only as good as the results that I produced. Now, I'm learning to find fulfillment in my own company rather than in my achievements. Stay tuned to learn just how I'm doing it!

I had grown fat on security and control.

Taking in the new dorm!

Like many of my peers, I quickly outgrew my hometown.

By the start of my senior year of high school, our tiny Chicagoland suburb had already offered me all it could. I was performing well in the majority of my classes, engaged in leadership, tons of extracurricular activities, and had steady footing as a budding artist. It was easy. I was comfortable. All I had to do was wait until graduation to conquer college and eventually, the world.

Obviously, it wouldn't be that simple.

Enter RISD, one of the most prestigious schools in the world. With a notoriously demanding curriculum and barely any leisure time, it was (and still is) easy to find yourself a slave to your work, prioritizing it above all else. After all, that's what schooling trains us to do.

The "RISD Bubble" is a real phenomenon, and it's not just unique to this school.

The life of a shut-in may appear productive but in those couple of months I sacrificed my health and relationships. Yes, I made more work than ever before, but I was incredibly unfulfilled and it deeply disturbed me that I didn't know why.

I was slowly starting to resent myself.

You are not your work.

During high school I had amassed quite the roster of extracurriculars, hobbies, and recognition. I did have a genuine interest in everything I invested myself in but that was overshadowed by my desire to convince the world (and myself) of my worth.

Everyone wants to be recognized. To leave a tangible legacy. Perhaps that is one byproduct of being brought up in an incredibly connected, oversaturated society? 

There's a saying that I've been coming across a lot lately. American novelist Kurt Vonnegut Jr. once wrote,

"I am a human being. Not a human doing."

Let that sink in.

At the end of the day, if you subtract all the things you do (your job, hobbies, social life) who is the person left behind? Who is the person going to bed every night? How would you define who you are without listing off the things you do?

I believe that who you are enables what you do. Not the other way around.

Let's finally address what we're going through.

There is a hesitation surrounding acknowledging our struggles. Perhaps it's because we're afraid of being percieved as ungrateful when there are those less fortunate who would happily take our place. Or that we've been fed the misconception that strength is defined by a lack of weakness. Whatever it may be, your feelings and experiences are valid. Simply put, they are your individual truth.  

If you are not where you want to be:

When we are in an unmoving state of deep discomfort, our instinct is to escape it. This can look like a new debt, excessive drinking, being stuck with the wrong crowd, failing to break in as a freelancer, unhappiness with being single, anything that shakes you.

The first step to actively making progress is to acknowledge that in whatever aspect, you are not where you want to be. The sneaky trick is that once you become aware of this though, you can't un-think it. At this point, these will become your options:

1. Accept the discomfort and learn to cope with it.

2. Refuse to accept the discomfort and change your actions.

3. Actively ignore the discomfort as long as you can, until you can't.

Each option results in sacrifice. Be it time, money, company, happiness, inner peace, etc. Fortunately, as the architects of our own lives, we have the power to decide how we react, what it is that we crave the most, and what progress looks like to us.

I encourage you to reframe how you view discomfort. Discomfort fosters change, and potentially, real growth.

---

My response to losing myself in my work was to actively seek internal peace.

Here are some things that have helped me so far!

Practicing Presence

One source of my discomfort was the realization that I had spent more time planning my life than actually living it. In many ways I feel that I lost my first semester. I just recall a big blur that I rushed from start to finish.

Those small, seemingly unassuming moments that punctuate our lives are what we end up fondly remembering down the line. I don't want to keep glossing over the little things.

A rare moment. In front of me were six RISD kids, all crowded in an attic, carefree and laughing. Photo: @hannahrosies

I'm not going to steal from myself anymore.

Historically, I've been pretty negligent about checking in with myself. Creating little rituals like burying my face in a Dan Brown book, snacking alone in the cafeteria  without my phone, and watching the sun set from the same spot with the same thermos of tea every evening has allowed me some dedicated time for myself. Slowly, I've become much more comfortable with my own presence than I was before. And my internal dialogue has been a little less chaotic ever since.

Moving In Silence

This is something that I've been trying out for the past two months. The idea is to reject the need to share every aspect of our lives with everyone else (especially things in development or things we say we'd like to try) until they actually manifest.

With this mindset, we don't place additional pressure from others on ourselves. This way we can make sure that the things we're doing are what we actually, genuinely want to be doing.

Besides, why jinx yourself?

Redefining What It Means To Be Loved

For the first time in my life I finally feel that I don't need another person to fulfill me. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want a romantic partner. But I don't need one to be happy.

There isn't much that a romantic partner could bring to my life that I don't already have. To address non-familial love I have to look no further than my few ride-or-die best friends. I'm flooded with gratitude as the weight of our relationship hits me. To put it in the purest way, these people feel like home.

I'm not rushing to find romance anymore.

If I enter a romantic relationship, it will be from a place of abundance rather than from a place of fear.

I'll be with someone because of how we enhance each others' lives, not because I'm scared that I'll lose another chance at love. I'm so grateful to say that thanks to my family, my friends, and myself, real love is something I already have in my life.

Decluttering

Eliminating physical and mental clutter from my life has facilitated a new sense of calmness. There's no more internal nagging for me to address a messy room, or to run that errand that I've been putting off for 2 weeks. Things are simply more peaceful. 

Practicing Kindness

Be kind to kind people.

Be kind to unkind people.

And,

Be kind to yourself.

---

Conclusion

Thank you for allowing me to digest what I've learned in the past few months.

If you too are going through something uncomfortable, Reader, let me leave you with a word of wisdom from my roommate's mother. During heartbreak, she said to her daughter, "If you don't know how to get through something, know that you're already doing it, right now."

Taking life one day at a time is enough. And you are, too.

We're all works in progress, and we always will be. It is the Human Experience.

This next bit may sound corny, but bear with me:

Build a house on soil and any wave that crashes into it will leave as quickly as it came.

Build a house at sea and every wave that crashes into it will leave you rocking long after it left. Strengthen your foundation, and you might find that Life's waves don't look quite as scary anymore.

You and I, let's make a deal. Let's look Life in the eye and give it a wink! 

Warmly,

Katerina.